Aubergine

I love her full tilt

My fingers are cold.  The back of my neck is cold. My toes are cold through my fuzzy socks.  My sweater's sleeves are pulled down past my wrists and my legs are curled up beneath me but still the chill of this house creeps in.  

I crave tonight the ability to focus on one thing but my mind is jumpy and electric.  It is listing for me things I need to get done before the contractor starts work on our bedroom next week, the list of topics I'm narrowing down for queries, the format of the magazine I was studying earlier today, the schedule of my busy day tomorrow, and telling me I really should get up to get another of those yummy heart-shaped cherry jellies I brought home from Whole Foods this evening.  In the space I can wrest between those thoughts the sound of the monitor flows in.  I hear the hum of the humidifier which has become our white noise machine but my ears strain for sounds of rustling or cries.  The baby is sick and as much as I have things I need to do on my computer tonight before I go to bed, the length of the house feels too far away from her.  The audio thread keeps me just enough in the room with her to let me keep working away at my list for just a little longer.

The LHM texted me tonight to tell me he had posted and then pulled a photo of our Bean joyfully eating a birthday cupcake from Facebook because one of his friends had just posted that his nephew had died after surgery yesterday.  "How, exactly, does one observe the period of mourning on Facebook?" he asked.  I don't think I would have pulled down the photo, were I in his shoes.  I have lived enough life to have felt the continuum of it, from heartbreakingly beautiful to heartbreakingly awful, often enough side by side. Somehow it seems fitting for even my Facebook news feed to reflect that ebb and flow.  My heart breaks for the grief of his friend (more for that child's mother), but my first response to the news was to pull my daughter close and look again at how beautiful and miraculous she is.  I would not wish to rub my joy in my daughter's life into the would of that family, but my joy is fierce because I know how much I stand to lose.  I know how easily I could be destroyed if anything were to happen to her.

I knew something was not right with her all day today.  There wasn't any one particular thing she did, but I kept looking for clues.  Twice she pulled on her ear, and several times she lost her balance and bumped her head.  She has wanted to nurse much more today than is usual and she hasn't wanted to range far away from me in her play.  Over and over she would pull up on my legs and ask to be held, ask to nurse.  And then tuck herself in to me, far less squirmy than usual, and gaze up at me with drowsy eyes. When we were out running errands this afternoon she was drowsing between each stop, which is unusual.  In the grocery store she stayed tucked in to me in the carrier and still, just looking out quietly over the edge of the hood.  Once back in the car she feel asleep before I even pulled out of the space.  These things are not normal.  I knew there was something wrong.  When I took her temperature tonight I was almost relieved to see it was a bit high.  Finally, some proof of my intuition.  But also, the prickle of fear knowing that something is wrong with my baby and I don't really know what or how long it will take her to ride it out.  Always the fear that it will turn dangerous, that we will need to rush her to the ER for help.  Always I imagine that the worst will happen.  Not the worst - even in my imagination my fear stops me short of the actual worst.  But the worst I can imagination, that I have imagery for.  Always I go there right from the start.  

My child has been healthy in her first year.  She has had a couple of colds and only one with a fever, but even then the fever was not so high and acetaminophen brought it down quickly.  We have been lucky.  I know mamas who have been though much more with their little ones, walked much closer to the edge of despair than I have had any reason to.  Because it is such a fine line we walk.  Babies are so small, so fragile.  So much can go wrong.  So many things can hurt them.  And I have lived enough life to know that many things will, whether they leave visible scars or invisible ones.  And it is not possible to love our children less to protect ourselves.  I love her full tilt.  I would not love her any less. 

And so I sit here next to the monitor, straining to hear her soft sleeping breath over the hum, and know I will soon give in and go curl up next to her to keep vigil over her sleep.

10 links on Tuesday

Things I've been reading around the web recently:

1. I found a great Pinboard last week with fun crafty and educational activities to do with toddlers.  Wait, what?  You aren't on Pinterest yet???

2. Over at The Motherhood blog at the end of January there was a chat on Making Tech Work For You with Carley from Digitwirl.  Even if you just read the summary notes like I did, there are great suggestions for very useful web and device apps for busy mamas (and non-mamas!).  They list several that I use and love, including mint.com, HootSuite, and the Read It Later tool in Safari on iPhone, though I don't see Workflowy in their list!

3. I found this article on the Daily Beast about the new generation of homeschooling parents fascinating.  I have more to say on this topic - look for a longer post about it soon.

4. I have terribly mixed feelings about letting Facebook too far into my life and data, but this is kind of a cool thing - an Etsy gift finder that mines your Facebook friend data and matches their preferences with products on Etsy.  Cool or creepy?  I can't decide.

5. Interesting article about Keeping Your Voice when blogging.  I've been struggling with this.  How do I write what is true to me while also making it universal?  How do I grow my blog audience without falling into the trap of sounding just like everyone else?

6. On the heels of that musing, I found this e-workshop on Telling Your Story from the wonderful Jen Lee.  I love this: "The Story You Are Telling With Your Life Is The Most Important Thing About You."  Have any of you done this workshop?  I'd love to hear about what you thought of it!

7. Because I'm not all deep thoughts all the time, here's a link to a beautiful little softie bird mobile.  Individual birds would make great ornaments, too!  I like the idea of making this for a baby's nursery.

8. And speaking of baby's rooms, check out this amazing, Montessori-inspired space from way back (2009) on the Sew Liberated blog.  I love the bed on the floor.  You can also see her interpretation of the bird/branch thing here.

9. And while we are talking about making things I don't really have time to make, I love these Wee Wonderful dolls.  How do you crafty mamas do it?  I'm talking to you, Soulemama!

10. Now making Instagram photos into magnets is the kind of craft more my speed, even making it DIY instead of using the StickyGram service linked here.

What have you been reading this week?  I'd love to hear about it!

To my little bean on her first birthday

At this time last year I was in labor.  I had been in labor for over 60 hours.  I was hurting, tired and just a little bit scared.  And as it turned out I had most of a full day yet to go before you were finally born.  I should write the story of your birth for you.  I should write the story of my pregnancy for you.  I should write out the story of the love between your father and I.  I should tell you the story of your name and how long we took to decide on it.  There are so many stories I want to tell you, to capture for you.  I want to make sure you know your history, who your parents are and how much you were wanted.  How much you are loved and were loved even before you were born. 

But I'm not really ready to tell those stories yet.  For now, only these fragments: 

You were conceived on a night that was both hard and wonderful. Something happened that night that made me realize your father was going to be there when things got tough and that I could depend on him to be my rock.  My rusty old heart creaked open a bit that night, and you chose that moment to enter.

My pregnancy was both hard and wonderful.  I have never felt so beautiful as when I was pregnant.  Also I was often sick and had a very painful period of back issues. But I loved feeling you move inside of me.  I loved having your companionship in my body. I spend a lot of time wondering about you.  Who would you be?  What would you look like?  What was my life going to be like with you in it? 

Your birth was both hard and wonderful.  It did not go as I had planned, hoped, or imagined.  It hurt much more than I expected.  You were not born at home as I wanted, or in water like I wanted, but birthing in the hospital was far better than I had feared.  There were only short moments when I was scared for your safety because I had the best birthing team I could have hoped for.  Feeling you move through and out of my body was primal, magical.  You were delivered into a room full of people who loved you the instant they saw you. And when they laid you on my belly and you looked at me with your big dark serious eyes, I was so amazed I could hardly catch my breath. I made you.  We made you.  And you are so beautiful.  You are so perfect.

On the eve of your first birthday, I am still in awe of the fact of you.  I MADE you.  I grew you inside my belly and here you are, this little person with a personality, opinions, a sense of humor, an ability to show delight and love.  You are exactly the combination of your father and me.  Your eyes are the shape of mine.  Your upper lip is the shape of his.  You have his long toes and long legs and my short torso and light hair.  You are cautious like me and physical like him. From both of us you inherited a deep curiosity and desire to figure out how things work.  Your blue eyes are all your own, a quirk of genetics that I'm so grateful for. You are amazing.  So beautiful.  So perfect. 

Just in the last month you have gone from being a baby to being a toddler.  You got suddenly so big and tall.  You are no longer long, but tall. You are not yet walking (though when you decide you are ready, I think you will just get up and walk across the room), but you cruise around confidently and crawl really fast with your hands slap-slapping across the floor.  You stand up straight now - no more bowed baby legs.  You are lean and strong.  I can see the muscles in your thighs, your arms, across your back.  Your body is so beautiful - I love witnessing your unselfconsciousness in the way you move and I hope that lasts for a very long time.  You are very vocal.  You have a sound to call us, a sound to direct us to get you something or take you somewhere, a sound of greeting for the cats, a sound when you are excited to nurse.  You babble to yourself when you play, you practice syllables and the back and forth of conversation with me while we eat or shop or play together.  You say "num num num" when you are eating food you particularly like (blueberries and bananas this week), and in the last couple of days you have been saying, "ma ma ma" to everything around you but me.  You laugh when I say, "That's me!" so I'm pretty sure you know what the sounds mean. You have learned to shake your head "no" though only sometimes does it really mean "no." You are practicing to see when it fits.  I ask you a rhetorical question: "Stella, did you drop that cup on purpose?"  You shake your head no.  I give it back and you very purposely hold it off the edge of the table and drop it again.  You shake your head no.  And then grin that toothy grin at me.

You have all eight of your front teeth and in the last two weeks grew two more – a canine and your first molar on the bottom right side.  You were surprisingly mellow about the molar, though it took a chunk of gum off as it came through and must have been incredibly painful.  But you are always mellow. 

You have learned to hug this month.  You hug me, you hug your father, you hug the cats.  You discovered baby dolls when we were visiting our friends in Australia and you hugged them, too.  I admit I bought you a stuffed koala bear in the airport on the way home because you pointed at it and made your "I want that!" sound and when I picked it up and let you see it you cuddled it.  Instant mama puddle. You are still hugging it at home, too.

You also learned how to negotiate steps while we were traveling, practicing up and down and up and down the one step into the room where we slept at Jo’s house.  Now you can go up and down the two into and out of my studio like a pro.  I sit nearby and marvel.  You are so confident. 

You are an incredibly happy child.  This is what strangers comment on the most.  When we go shopping we are stopped every few minutes by people who want to tell me how beautiful you are, what a wonderful smile you have.  That you are the cutest baby they've ever seen.  In restaurants you charm the wait staff and usually end up in their arms before the food even arrives. Yesterday at Trader Joe's I let you sit in the front of the cart (such a big girl thing and you were very excited about it).  As we were standing in line, a woman maybe in her 50s looked over from the line next to us and you bestowed your magical smile on her.  "Thank you!" she said to you.  "You just made my whole week!"  Your favorite part of riding in the cart is when I push you over the bumpy bit between the door and the parking lot.  I thought it would scare you the first time, but you laugh and laugh. 

When I write you these letters I am so aware of all that I’m leaving out.  How much I’ve forgotten already each month.  All those tiny things you do that I’ve already lost track of.  I wish I could hold all of it, each little wonderful moment, but they slip though my fingers so fast. Instead I try to hold on to the cloth of the moments all strung together, the tenor of our days.  It has to be enough.

This year has been an amazing journey and I'm so grateful for it.  I am so grateful for you.  Happy birthday, my little love.

 

One moment: Jan 25, 2012

Productivity tool: Workflowy

I found a great new tool recently called Workflowy.  It is so simple it is brilliant.  It runs in a browser, so it works the same across all of my iDevices (love that!).  And best?  it is free!

The biggest issue I struggle with when trying to get things done is that I have too many things in my brain.  My poor noggin is working so hard on remembering all of my to do items and great ideas that I have trouble concentrating on the one thing that I'm working on.  This tool lets me just clear my head so I can focus.  I also love that I can strike items out that are completed, because what's the point of a list if I can't mark DONE all over it?

I have long used an application called Things on my Mac and iPhone, and Workflowy won't replace that.  But before I can set due dates and sort things neatly into projects and prioritize my working order I have to get all that stuff out of my head.  That's where Workflowy comes in.  I can just type into it like an outline. When I have more details on a project or a task I can just tab over and drill down into it.  I can even change the view so I'm just looking at one task and its details at a time, or I can view the whole flowing mess (I admit that can be a little overwhelming).  One could easily just use Workflowy to keep track of tasks, but once I've done the brain download, I find it helpful to move tasks with deadlines over to Things, where I can set reminders on them.  

I've only been using Workflowy for a bit over a week, so there's a lot I haven't tried yet, but so far I'm super impressed. I suspect it will be really useful for working out rough outlines on writing projects.  I've been trying to shove those into Things but a formal to-do list application really is not the right place for those.  

Here are a few "Pro User" tips from the Workflowy team that I found really helpful: 

Completing items. Every item can be a task if you want it to be. Once you've completed a task, hover over the bullet point of the corresponding item and click "Complete" in the menu that pops up. This will strike out the item.  Your lists can become cluttered with completed items quickly, so we recommend you hide them by clicking on the "Completed: Visible" button in the upper right of the page. There's also nothing sweeter than completing tasks and seeing them disappear before your eyes.

Search. WorkFlowy lets you navigate through your lists by expanding them and zooming. But sometimes you forget where you put something. Or maybe you want to bring up all the items that contain a specific word. The search feature lets you filter your WorkFlowy account (or whatever list you're currently zoomed to) instantly, as you type. Try it by using the search box at the top of the page.

Sharing and collaboration. You can share or collaborate on any sublist in your WorkFlowy account. This is a powerful feature that lets you turn any portion of your notes, tasks, lists, etc., into a page that others can view or edit. They'll see your updates (and you'll see theirs) in near-realtime. Click "Share" in the menu that pops up when you hover over a bullet point. Read our blog post on this feature for more info.

Tagging. Sometimes you want to associate together items that are in different parts of your WorkFlowy tree. Say you have tasks for a trip you're planning in one area and tasks for a project you're working on in another. You want to mark tasks in both areas as being "high priority," and then you want to view only the high priority tasks.  Tags let you do this. Add the tag "#highpriority" to all your high-priority tasks. Then click the tag (once you've stopped editing the item) to filter only items with that tag. Click the tag again to turn off filtering.

If you've used this tool and have any other tips I'd love to hear them!

The best garlic soup

We've been sick around here and it has been cold and the intersection of the two is soup.  Soup made with chicken broth, preferably.  Or garlic.  Or both.  This soup is the both.

I originally found it on the tremendous 101 Cookbooks blog, a spin on a recipe from Richard Olney's The French Menu Cookbook.  Heidi Swanson's version nails down amounts, the main difference from Olney's version, but I just don't cook that way, so my version goes back to rough measurements and reflects my adjustments.  It turns out this is actually a soup that you can wing pretty well.

This soup is likely to cure what ails you, and will also keep vampires away.  I recommend feeding it to anyone you are likely to be up close and personal with in the next 24 hours so at least you all stink of garlic the same.

Richard Olney's Garlic Soup

4 cups chicken stock (homemade is best for combating a cold)
2 cups water
1 bay leaf
a small handful of fresh thyme
about 2 medium cloves of garlic, smashed, peeled, and pressed (un-pressed cloves should measure about 1/3 cup)
fine grain sea salt to taste

Binding pommade:
1 whole egg
2 egg yolks
medium handful freshly grated dry cheese (Parmesan or Asiago)
freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil

day-old crusty bread or large croutons, shredded cheese & more olive oil to drizzle

Bring the stock and water to a boil in a medium sauce pan and add the herbs, garlic, and salt. Heat to a gentle boil, cover,  and simmer for 30 minutes. Turn off the heat and remove the bay leaf from the pan. Taste and add more salt if needed.

With a fork, whisk the egg, egg yolks, cheese, and pepper together in a bowl. Drizzle in the olive oil, beating all the time. Very slowly, while continuing to beat the pommade, add a large ladleful of the broth to heat the eggs.  If you do this or the next step too fast, the broth will break (it won't look pretty, but still tastes ok). While whisking continuously, add the contents of the bowl into the garlic broth. Keep stirring until the broth thickens slightly.  If the soup doesn't thicken within a few seconds, turn the heat back on medium and keep stirring.

Place a handful of fresh croutons (that would be in my old life) or torn bread chunks (what I do now) into the bottom of each bowl and pour the soup over the bread. Finish with a sprinkle of cheese and a drizzle of oil. Serve immediately.

Makes about 4 cups of soup.

This recipe was adapted from the 101 Cookbooks Blog where it was adapted from The French Menu Cookbook by Richard Olney. Originally published in 1970, this edition was republished by Ten Speed Press in 2002.

 

One moment: January 6, 2012

10 minutes at 4pm on a Tuesday

I have put all of the baby's toys back in her toy basket and she is busy unloading them again which should give me 5-10 minutes to write.  I am kneeling at the coffee table where I can see the whole living room, though she likes to crawl around the back of the couch where I can't see her to mail her toys into the boxes there that haven't made it all the way to the garage yet which renders this vantage somewhat wasted.  There's a cat on the couch over my right shoulder, snuggled up next to my camera, and a tea cup with the sticky remains of lemon tea that I drank a while ago by my left hand.  Strewn across the surface of the table around my laptop are the the parent end of the baby monitor, a crumpled tissue, two sippy cups, a plastic toy car, the cover for my iPad which is in the other room on the charger, a DVD from someone's stocking, a travel book for the trip we are planning, a handful of Trader Joe's Sesame Sticks, and my iPhone.  I crave tidy surfaces, full attention to words, clear sinuses.  None of which I have right now.  Instead, I snack on Sesame Sticks and kneel at the coffee table pecking out the best words I can find right now, which I know are not very good.

This is the heavy part of the afternoon when the remaining day feels like forever.  Back when I was working in an office, this was the same part of the day that my energy would flag and I would head for the vending machine.  The baby is bored.  I am bored.  When the weather was good this was when I would head out the door for a walk, but it is cold out there and frankly I don't have the energy. I have made all the silly faces that I have in me today, read all the books (twice), and retrieved her from trying to put toys in the toilet and investigating the litter box more times than I can count.  I despair of what we do between now and bedtime, now that the toy basket is empty and she's here at my side again looking for Grandpa inside my computer screen. 

Mamas, what do you do to get through the draggy part of the afternoon?

At sunset

This afternoon the wind pushed the morning's grey blanket back across half the brilliant blue winter sky until it ran from one horizon to the other in a crumpled pile. Where it met the ocean at one end, as the sun sank, it looked like this.

As one year ends and another one begins, I am choosing to turn into the wide open blue and away the muzzled, muted grey.

Handmade gifts: 5 gifts to make (in less than an hour)

Whether you are running out of gift-making time or just want to make some simple gifts, this group of crafts are quick and (mostly) don't require any special supplies.  

1. Felt rose ring

This is a great little quick project.  The tutorial is for a ring made from the little felt flower, but like the tee-shirt flower in last week's list, you could use the flower on a hair clip, a hair band, a pin, etc.

2. Baby sock coin purse 

In last week's round-up, I suggested you make an owl softie from socks that have lost their mates.  Here's a great little coin purse you can make from a baby sock that has lost its mate.  Any house with a baby has a few of those!

3. Crayon monogram

I love this.  Such a sweet, simple idea to make a monogram in a shadow box out of broken crayons. I love this for a baby shower gift, too.

4. 10 Christimas gifts in a jar

 Would it really be Christmas without a gift in a jar?  Here are recipes for several different options beyond just cookies and hot chocolate.

5. Soy candles in baby food jars or tea cups

These are *really* easy, if you use the pre-mixed soy wax and wicks from a craft store.  Scent them with essential oils to make a set in baby jars, or use one lovely tea cup and saucer for a sweet gift for someone special.

I'm totally enamored with re-using baby jars these days.  They are so small and cute!  Here are a bunch of other things you can do with them.  I love the spices with chalkboard-painted tops.

If you need some great (green!) ideas for ways to wrap up your lovely handmade items, here is a post over on Simple Mom with lots of creative options. I love the baby food jar as a container for a necklace!

 
Happy holiday crafting!