turning away and toward

I have been finding it so hard recently to come to this portal and write about my life.  And yet, doing so seems somehow necessary.  But where to start?  Just start, my therapist would say.  And so.

I am getting divorced.  There is no way to ease into saying that.  There are sideways ways I could come to it and I have tried them all out in the seemingly endless times I have needed to announce this change in my life to all the people I interact with in all the different aspects of my life.  But it all boils down to that statement, whether I say the words, or I just see it dawning in the eyes of the person I'm talking to.  Divorced.  It is so final.  And yet not at all tidy.  It is the hardest thing I have had to face in my life thus far.  And I both do not want to talk about it and I need very much to talk about it.

Healing, I think, is a very personal journey.  And for me, healing requires talking and writing and painting my way through it.  And yet, dividing two lives that have been joined requires the healing of two people, and that means that I can not talk about my personal experience without involving hers.  And it feels unfair to write openly here about what for her is private.  But I will do my best to write my way through and also protect her privacy.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about this conflict a bit in her book Eat, Pray, Love, and I liked the way she handled it.  I have no interest in airing the disputes or the fights or the pained words, or creating a list of where we tried and where we failed and what was whose fault.  I'm interested now in healing and moving forward.  The decision is made, the marriage is over.  Now I have in front of me a whole big life, and I want to step into it.  With big, confident, brave strides.  I want to inhabit my life fully, all the way out the very edges.  Live bigger than I ever have before. 

In the last few weeks I have found that I am both reaching in and reaching out.  I seem to know intuitively what I need to heal, and the process feels so authentic that I'm surprised at myself.  I have gone through painful breakups before, and I dealt with them so differently.  I isolated myself and fell into deep depressions, I drank too much, I wound up in bed with people I didn't even like because I was lonely.  I just sort of expected that I'd walk some of that path again before I pulled myself out and moved on.  But I haven't been doing those things.  I have created a safe, soft, nurturing space for myself in my home, for when I need to retreat, but also I am reconnecting with people I have been out of touch with for far too long, as well as opening up and inviting new people with new energy into my life.  I realized how lonely I have been these last couple of years, and have simply decided to change it.  I have had hard conversations with Lisa and found my strength and courage and truth and words to express them. I have found a deep well of love for myself that has allowed me to hear the voices of doubt and fear and hurt, and hold them, then let them go.  I am letting myself see how people respond to me - with interest and respect and attraction and affection - and am slowly learning to trust that, not question it.  I'm letting people take care of me, and also feeling clear about how I need to take care of myself.  I am remembering what it feels like to fully inhabit my skin.  I am a sensual and curious and affectionate woman, and I have kept that strongly under wraps for years, for what I believed was the good of  my relationship.  But I lost a part of myself that way and now I'm finding her again, and I really missed her.  I am saying no when I need to, and feeling comfortable with my boundaries.  I am facing some big decisions in my life that are scary and daunting, but not allowing myself to feel pressured to make any decisions before I know completely what I want.   I am learning to trust my intuition and my ability to feel my way to the right decision and then to say it clearly.

Is this the balanced place that I always seem to be seeking?  Was I always just working to hard to find it, when all I really needed to do was make some space, be still and feel it?

Comments

[Hashi]

Dear Doña ... I had a feeling that all was not well in your marriage a while ago, when you wrote that things were happening that you didn't want to share. It sounds like you are navigating through the pain to a better place. I am glad that you are recognizing and accepting the admiration that others have for you. Be at peace. Hashi

[Wendee]

Dear Doña - your words are eloquent and I know they reflect deep, soulful, long reflection. It is hopeful that you sound sure. So, when you feel unsure, please know that your intuition, I think, will serve you well.
Know that we're sending thoughts of strength and love and acceptance and hope for you. The journey isn't easy (yes, been there), but you're certainly not alone. Take care. - Wendee

[Mary Beth]

Sending you warm healing thoughts. Keep painting, keep writing - I do believe you know the way. Hugs darlin, MB

[Jan Hughes]

You've answered your own questions, and the answer is (always), "Yes". You're on the right path. Trust your instincts, trust the process - and, onward!

[Dawn]

Although I'm a new reader, I wanted to say stay strong and do what you are doing...it sounds like you are well on your way to a healthy loving relationship with yourself...which is all you really need.

[celeste]

blessings.

[Kirsten Liske]

Natascha and I were reflecting on this and we both feel what you wrote so strongly and remembered for ourselves that time of blossoming and remaking - all that beauty following a breakup and right there in the middle of the pain of it, Rebirthing yourself. Ripe, rich. It reminds us that being in relationship is not necessarily more valuable than leaving one, or being your own undeniable own as a single person.

Thank you gutsy woman, keep shouting your true gospel.

[kat]

A beautiful post. I have felt this way myself though I am not sure that I could have written this out so eloquently,. Your writing is blossoming just as you are. Hugs and warm thoughts coming your way.