Aubergine

My top 5 parenting books

 

When I found out I was pregnant I went on Amazon and ordered a stack of books that I thought would help me make sense of what was happening to my body and my life.  Then the morning sickness hit, and I was nauseous when I tried to read.  By the time that passed I was gearing up to start grad school. 

My daughter's birth came and went and most of the books remained in a pile next to my easy chair, unread.

Following the pattern I set back then, I haven't read very many parenting books in the last 16 months.  But of the few I read, these have been the most useful.

The Nursing Mother's Companion, by Kathleen Huggins

Breastfeeding was supposed to be easy.  I had breasts, I had a hungry baby.  No problem, right?  

While I'm grateful that my breastfeeding journey was simpler than it turns out to be for many moms, it was not nearly as simple as I expected.  I read this book cover to cover when my daughter was 3 or 4 days old, my nipples had blistered and cracked from an improper latch, and I had no idea how to tell if my milk had come in yet.  I was desperate for information.  This book answered all of my questions and did it clearly enough that I could understand it even in my shell-shocked and sleep-deprived state.  If you are a new (or repeat!) mom and you plan to breastfeed, make sure you have this book in your house before the baby arrives.  It may save you some sanity when you really really need it.

No-Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley

Sleep was another thing I thought was going to be so easy and then it wasn't.  I thought we'd just sleep with the baby and everyone would be happy.  I didn't really realize how often the baby would wake up and what that meant for all of us sleeping, or not sleeping, which was what was really happening. When I started hearing other moms talking about sleep training and co sleepers and what "sleeping through the night" really means (hint: not 8 hours), I decided I needed to know more about how babies sleep and what I could influence and what I needed to live with.

Pantley's book offered me information on baby sleep cycles and tips for easing sleep transitions, and didn't make any suggestions to let the baby cry, which I knew I would not be willing to do. It helped me understand better where she was developmentally, how much sleep she should be getting, and to be more clear about what was important to me about our sleeping situation.  We actually didn't change where or when the baby was sleeping as a result of reading the book, but I felt a lot more at peace about our decision to co-sleep and we made some minor adjustments that helped me sleep better myself. When I became more confident my interactions with Bean around naps and bedtime and developed a better going-to-bed routine, the whole process got a lot easier.

Many months later, when I was finally ready to move her to her own crib, I re-read Pantley's book to help me figure out how to make that happen.  It took about a week of bumpy nights, but Bean started sleeping better and more soundly very quickly.

Baby-Led Weaning, by Gill Rapley and Tracey Murkett

Several of the moms in my circle of friends were talking up this book when they started introducing solid foods to their kids, who were all a few months older than mine.  After eating out with them a few times and being totally impressed at how well their babies could manage a wide range of foods, I decided to check it out.

I guess by not reading all those pregnancy books when I was pregnant I missed the instruction that you are supposed to start your baby on pureed food. I found the Baby-Led Weaning approach to be a perfectly logical way to introduce food, encourage healthy eating habits and help your child develop a wide palate of tastes and textures. 

Food is a big deal in my house.  I love to cook and to eat, and to share the tastes I love with my family.  It turned out to be so much fun to let Bean try new foods mostly on her own terms and develop her own individual tastes.  She has always been really clear about what she likes and doesn't, when she wants more and when she's done.  And honestly, she'll try anything and enjoys some surprisingly strong-flavored dishes. 

And I didn't have to buy or make a whole bunch of special food for her, so we all win!

Bringing up Bebe, by Pamela Druckerman

This isn't actually a parenting book.  It is a memoir, sort of, and one mom's research into the differences in parenting styles between French and American families.  While the author has drawn criticism for over-simplifying both cultures and for focusing on families in a very narrow socio-economic range, I still found it fascinating.  

I'm often slightly horrified by families where the kids seem to be running all over the parents. "Be the grown up!" I want to scold the parents.  "How will your child respect anyone if you don't insist that he respects you?"

It was heartening to me to discover that the instincts that were leading me to set clear boundaries and have expectations for my child's behavior, even at a young age, we in line with parenting practices somewhere, at least.  Although there are things I disagree with that are normal practice in France (early weaning, for example) there are also things that I'm very envious of that would make such a difference in the US (government funded early childcare and preschool).  

Mostly it was a fascinating look at two different parenting styles and the potential pros and cons of each.  I always think it is a good a idea to take the lid off of our customs and beliefs to figure out what they mean and why we do them, even if we choose to continue on exactly the same path we are on.

The Toddler's Busy Book: 365 Creative Games and Activities to Keep Your 1 1/2-to 3-Year-Old Busy, by Trish Kuffner

This is the newest book on my (virtual) shelf.  Now that all the babies in our little circle of moms are toddlers, the emails in our group are often about a) What are you guys cooking for dinner? and b) how do I keep this kid entertained and prevent him from jumping off of the furniture??   

This book, again, was recommended by one of our group.  I've only just begun to delve into it, but I'm loving the suggestions so far.  It has arts and crafts, learning, and play activities for both indoors and out and even suggestions for a Rainy Day Box that is a parent's secret weapon on those rainy or sick days when the day just seems to stretch on forever.

But best of all she has a whole chapter on how to organize for your toddler, including what you can save or re-use from around your house for various purposes.  This is a fantastic resource for parents or caregivers of toddlers, especially the especially busy ones, like mine!

 

What are your favorite or lifesaving parenting books?

Ordinary Life in Photos: Mother's Day

For him, coffee.  For her, a sippy cup of water. 

For me, a Kir Royale.

My baby doesn't have a baby book

There, I've said it.

I think I do a lot of things right as a mom, but I've totally TOTALLY failed on this front.  I have blank baby books (two or three of them!) but none that have anything in them.

I feel terrible about this.  My own baby book is a treasured posession.  I love reading my mom's notes about what gifts people brought me as a newborn, and each of my firsts.  I love the lock of hair she saved (almost the same color as my daughter's!).  I love my mom's tiny tiny neat handwriting, which has changed so much over the length of my life.  I love looking at my old report cards and school pictures.  

It isn't that I haven't marked down any memories or milestones; I have.  I also have stacks of important saved items, like the impossibly small hospital anklet with "Baby Girl Bumgarner" printed on it, the extra copy of her first passport photo, and a large stack of cards from her first birthday. I also have thousands of photos on my computer and almost-monthly letters that I wrote to her during the first year, and a digital calendar where I took note of all sorts of firsts. 

But none of this stuff is in a book.

I don't know, maybe it doesn't need to be.  There are so many ways of capturing memories these days.  I think part of what's holding me back from starting an actual baby book is just not knowing what to put in and what to leave out.  Do I print out all of my Facebook status updates from the first several months of her life?  How do I wittle down the thousands of photos to one for each month?  How do I include the letters, or do I want to keep those separate until she is older? What about all the precious videos of her from my iPhone? Should I include a DVD?

I'd love to hear from some of you other busy mamas.  Do you have baby books for your babies?  What form do they take?  Do they have digital as well as physical components?

And those of you with older kids, what did you do?  How do your kids feel about their books, or the lack thereof, as the case may be?

10 Things I Have Learned From My Daughter

A gorgeous smile will get you everywhere.

Adequate rest is essential.

Playing is the best way to learn.

If you need a little reassurance, bring a friend.

Be proud of your accomplishments. Even little ones.

Everything is entertaining if you want it to be.

Everybody is interesting

Life is AWESOME.

Books are endlessly entertaining. (I knew this already, but it bears repeating.)

It is important to go outside every day.

But most importantly, I have learned to believe that I am a good mama.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mothers, Grandmothers, and Aunties.

The things I said I'd never do

Last week we went to an open house at a Waldorf-style preschool.  The main room was filled with wooden toys - trains and treehouses and a rocking horse with a woolen mane. The walls were draped with naturally-dyed silks and hung with art projects made of dried leaves, sticks and seed pods.  There was a toy kitchen with little aprons, a full set of miniature mixing bowls and spoons and a basket of wooden eggs and colorful vegetables. The nap room smelled of lavender floating in dim filtered blue light from the lacy curtains.  The Bean dove right in to play, clambored all over the kid-sized furniture, and cried hard when it was time to go.

When we arrived back home I gazed balefully around my living room, noting all the ways it didn't live up to the serene environment at the school.

Before I had a child I had strong opinions about what kind of mother I was.  

I was the kind of mother who would use cloth diapers, follow attachment parenting principles, only buy wooden toys, and breastfeed on demand until sometime in toddler hood. I was the kind of mother who would journal daily about the experience of motherhood, have a detailed, heirloom quality baby book, and dress my child in hand-knitted and hand-sewn clothing. My child would be clean, never have a snotty nose, and I would not tolerate tantrums in the grocery store. My daughter would not wear pink or play with princesses or Barbies, and my son would have a baby doll and a shopping cart.  No guns or other violent toys would be allowed for either gender.

Oh, the naiveté of the uninitiated.

Do you know how much work cloth diapers are?  How expensive wooden toys are? How annoying it can be to nurse a squirmy toddler when she only wants to snack? Do you know how cute pink hats with big flowers are? When did I think I would have the time to hand-make my child's clothes? 

It is good to make parenting choices thoughtfully. But I have found a balance of realism helps my sanity.

I do consider carefully what foods I feed my daughter and usually choose organic and fresh.  But Goldfish really are the perfect toddler snack-on-the-go. 

I'm still nursing at 15 months and have no plans to wean soon, but I re-direct to her sippy cup when I need my personal space or it is the third or fifth time she's asked to nurse in an hour.  We co-slept until her squirming and grabbing was making me lose too much sleep. I am really grateful for my less-interrupted sleep and I really relish our early morning cuddles when she moves from the crib back to our bed. 

I am thoughtful about the toys that come into this house, but they are not all made of wood and some of them have batteries.  I don't allow any that don't have off switches and the ones that have volume controls are all set to "low."  There are very few character products, but Pooh and a couple of Blues Clues softies can be found in evidence.  I'm still holding firm on Barbie and the princesses. But if the Bean really really wants a tiara and a tutu when she's bigger, I'd probably let her have them.  Countered, of course, with copies of books like Cinder Edna, The Princess Knight, and the Paper Bag Princess. And a sturdy pair of OshKosh overalls.

I'm glad my daughter likes to dig in the dirt and explore her surroundings, but that means she gets dirty.  She wears mostly cotton and I just do a bit more laundry.  I'm pretty zealous about keeping her face and her nose clean, but sometimes a little crustiness can't be helped. 

The part of me that wishes to be a perfect mom wishes my house echoed that lovely preschool.  But I also realize that is unrealistic for my real life.  It is good to have something to strive toward, but the space I have created is good.  Very good, in fact. I am glad that there are preschools like the one we visited where she could go and be nurtered differently, but in concert, with the way we live at home.

In motherhood, as in my life before, I am always in search of balance.  When my daughter was new the piece of advice I heard most often was, "Become comfortable with change."  Seeking balance in an environment that is constantly changing can be infuriating.  Or it can become a dance.  

I choose to dance.  Sometimes in a tutu.

 

Mother's Day, now that I'm a mother

I was going to write this post about handmade gifts you could make for Mother's Day.  But you don't need me for that.  Just go look at Pinterest.

I have such mixed feelings about this holiday.  It feels forced, a Hallmark Holiday. It has only been an official holiday since 1914, though the idea of a day to honor motherhood can be traced back to ancient Greek and Roman rites. In the US, the national holiday became so commercialized so fast that even Anna Jarvis, the woman championed it, died regretting what had become of her intent: simply a day to honor one's mother.

As the eldest sibling who lives closest to our mother, marking this holiday has fallen to me for the last many years.  I don't mean that to sound like it has been a chore.  Mom and I have grown a tradition of going shopping for garden plants and having brunch, and I have very much enjoyed it.

But now I'm a mom, too, and suddenly the idea of planning the Mother's Day celebration myself is really annoying. I want to claim my turn to be honored. I'm going on strike. Someone else gets to plan.

On my first Mother's Day, last year, I was still in the fog of having a newborn baby.  It hadn't even totally sunk in yet that I was a mother. I had brunch with my family that day and I think the LHM gave me flowers, but I was only half there.

I'm looking forward to future years that will hold fists full of wilted wildflowers, handmade cards, dishware and accessories withmy kid's mug on them, and jewelry with birthstones that are not my own.

But this year I want to be honored in very simple ways.  I want my partner to spend the day with me and Bean and I don't want to make any decisions about what we will do. I want someone to clean the crumbs out of the back seat of my car and take it to be washed.  I want to get a pedicure sometime this month and have an hour or so off duty on a nice day to read a book in the sunshine. I'd like someone to help me decide what kind of compost bin to buy and then go pick it up for me. And yeah, I'd like to go to the plant sale with my mom and have brunch with her and my family.  

I just don't want to have to make the reservation.

 

Shake your diapered booty: a track list for toddlers

I have a couple of kids music CDs.  They are still in their plastic wrappers.  We listen to a lot of music around here, but none of it would be tagged "Kids" in iTunes.  

My Bean likes best when her Daddy plays his guitar, but she's pretty happy with recorded tunes, too. She was pretty excited to discover those little black boxes we always have in our hands (see photo above) also make music.  

She's partial to music with a beat.  She likes vocals with passion.  She likes it when her mama sings along.  And she loves it when one of us picks her up and dances around the room with her.

She's been dancing since she was able to stand up.  Her response to the question, "Do you want some music?" is to wiggle her body. She now signs "more" and then wiggles when she wants me to turn on the house soundtrack.  Like when she's eating breakfast.  Or coloring.  I came up behind her a few days ago just after turning on the stereo and found her balanced at the coffee table, feeling the music.  Hip, hip, shoulder swoop, bounce bounce bounce. She didn't know I was there and continued grooving while I stood there with a lump of love in my throat, grinning like a goon.

Bean's Bets for Booty Bumping

• Bob Marley's Legend. But really, who doesn't love this album?
• Dave Matthews, especially the album Crash.  She likes the live albums, too, and will stop whatever she's doing to clap along with the audience between tracks.
• Ray LaMontagne's latest album God Willin' & The Creek Don't Rise.  We both like the track Repo Man best on this album.
• The first four tracks on Bonnie Raitt & Friends.
• Old Ani DiFranco albums.  Because she's my daughter.  Probably because she heard so much Ani while still in the womb.
• The funkier of Sean Hayes' songs like Dolores Guerrero and Feel Good.  
• Steve Miller Band Greatest Hits.  This album is summertime to me. It requires throwing open all the doors and windows and sitting out on the back deck, barefoot and drinking iced sun tea. We were visiting someone last weekend at a vacation resort and The Joker was playing a couple of doors down. Bean wiggled and wiggled until her father set her on the ground, where she immediately started dancing.  

Lullabies and Wind-Down Tracks (as recommended by Mama)

• Two albums are in the CD changer in my car and never come out: Chris Pureka's Dryland and Deb Talan's A Bird Flies Out. Both of these would put her right to sleep when she was younger and I resorted often to the car when she wouldn't nap.
• Mozart's Requiem, as performed by The Academy of St. Martin in the Fields. 
• The album Good Night, Baby has only three tracks, but they are long.  They are very relaxing instrumental music, mixed with ambient sounds including a heartbeat and rainfall.  Awesome any time she's having trouble settling down into sleep.

What is your favorite music to listen to with your little one?  What music do you like that is actually kid's music?

I put my baby in a box

And she loves it.

I have been cooking dinner with Bean at my feet for a while now.  She has a set of play food and play pans and access to the tupperware cabinet.  But as she gets taller and more inquisitive, I've been getting more and more nervous about her roaming the kitchen below hot pans and near a hot oven. Her dad doesn't get home from work early enough to help distract her during this window of time, so I needed another solution.

I read about the Fun Pod on Liz Lamoreux's blog recently. Her daughter is just a little older than mine and at about the same developmental stage.  A couple of  local mom friends with slightly older toddlers have the Learning Tower, but I was worried about the open sides.  Bean isn't quite walking yet, and I was afraid she'd slip and fall out.  Or climb in when I didn't want her to have access to the counter.  Also it has a huge footprint and I do not have a large kitchen.

The Fun Pod was exactly what I was looking for.  It allows Bean to be up at counter height with me, safely, and only when I want her there because she can't climb in and out on her own. It is sturdy and stable, but small enough that I'm not tripping over it. It is short enough to fit under the counter when not in use.  The Pod can be adjusted as she gets taller so it should be useful until she is several years old.

Our kitchen isn't arranged in a way that allows her to be very close while I'm actually cooking, though I have let her play in the sink behind me once and I imagine it will be great for her to help me clean up when she's a bit bigger.  Usually I set her up on the opposite side of our penninsula, in the dining room, but facing me.  She can color, play with blocks, or eat a snack while I cook.  She's not underfoot, is safe from the hot stuff, and can see me. She also asks to get in throughout the day so she's in and out of the thing all day.

I'm cheap when it comes to baby stuff.  With the exception of her car seat, I've managed to source almost all of her big items free (from friends or freecycle) or used and cheap.  But I'm really glad I invested in this item brand new.  We use it so often, and will be using it for years.

Putting rest on the list

Being a mom is a full time job. Launching a business is a full time job. Doing both at once is a bit overwhelming.

The only way I manage to keep it all together is to have a detailed to-do list.  But it is so easy to become slave to my list. The never ending list.

Tonight I gave myself the night off. Coconut chai and triple ginger snaps and an episode of Grey's Anatomy over a new sweater project for my girl. The list will still be there in the morning.

When I find myself in a period of focused drive like this, I have to remind myself to prioritize self care.  Self care doesn't always feel "productive." Spending time taking care of myself doesn't show measurable progress toward my goals.  But it is so necessary.  

It may sound strange, but I added a "self-care" section on that to-do list.  Putting tasks on my list means I do them, and putting self-care on my list brings it up to the level of importance equal to the business and household tasks that it sits beside. Tonight I took a few minutes to add some things to it: journal time, sleep in one morning this week, finish the blanket project.   

But the list is long and I know I will still spend more time on the "work" tasks than the "fun" ones.  So this week I'm going to try a new iPhone app as a way to remind myself to pay attention to myself.  Bloom, by the company MindBloom, is an offshoot of their online Life Game. The app allows users to set up "Blooms," or reminders, to do various things.  For example, I can schedule a Bloom with an inspiring quote, a reminder to drink a glass of water, or just to take a big deep breath. Used together with the MindBloom online tool, or even a Life Plan like Michael Hyatt writes about, Bloom could be a powerful tool to create change in one's life.

But right now I'm just interested in reminding myself to breathe, slow down for a minute, take a mini rest.  

Have you used Bloom, or MindBloom online?  Do you put self-care on your to-do list?

 

I love her full tilt

My fingers are cold.  The back of my neck is cold. My toes are cold through my fuzzy socks.  My sweater's sleeves are pulled down past my wrists and my legs are curled up beneath me but still the chill of this house creeps in.  

I crave tonight the ability to focus on one thing but my mind is jumpy and electric.  It is listing for me things I need to get done before the contractor starts work on our bedroom next week, the list of topics I'm narrowing down for queries, the format of the magazine I was studying earlier today, the schedule of my busy day tomorrow, and telling me I really should get up to get another of those yummy heart-shaped cherry jellies I brought home from Whole Foods this evening.  In the space I can wrest between those thoughts the sound of the monitor flows in.  I hear the hum of the humidifier which has become our white noise machine but my ears strain for sounds of rustling or cries.  The baby is sick and as much as I have things I need to do on my computer tonight before I go to bed, the length of the house feels too far away from her.  The audio thread keeps me just enough in the room with her to let me keep working away at my list for just a little longer.

The LHM texted me tonight to tell me he had posted and then pulled a photo of our Bean joyfully eating a birthday cupcake from Facebook because one of his friends had just posted that his nephew had died after surgery yesterday.  "How, exactly, does one observe the period of mourning on Facebook?" he asked.  I don't think I would have pulled down the photo, were I in his shoes.  I have lived enough life to have felt the continuum of it, from heartbreakingly beautiful to heartbreakingly awful, often enough side by side. Somehow it seems fitting for even my Facebook news feed to reflect that ebb and flow.  My heart breaks for the grief of his friend (more for that child's mother), but my first response to the news was to pull my daughter close and look again at how beautiful and miraculous she is.  I would not wish to rub my joy in my daughter's life into the would of that family, but my joy is fierce because I know how much I stand to lose.  I know how easily I could be destroyed if anything were to happen to her.

I knew something was not right with her all day today.  There wasn't any one particular thing she did, but I kept looking for clues.  Twice she pulled on her ear, and several times she lost her balance and bumped her head.  She has wanted to nurse much more today than is usual and she hasn't wanted to range far away from me in her play.  Over and over she would pull up on my legs and ask to be held, ask to nurse.  And then tuck herself in to me, far less squirmy than usual, and gaze up at me with drowsy eyes. When we were out running errands this afternoon she was drowsing between each stop, which is unusual.  In the grocery store she stayed tucked in to me in the carrier and still, just looking out quietly over the edge of the hood.  Once back in the car she feel asleep before I even pulled out of the space.  These things are not normal.  I knew there was something wrong.  When I took her temperature tonight I was almost relieved to see it was a bit high.  Finally, some proof of my intuition.  But also, the prickle of fear knowing that something is wrong with my baby and I don't really know what or how long it will take her to ride it out.  Always the fear that it will turn dangerous, that we will need to rush her to the ER for help.  Always I imagine that the worst will happen.  Not the worst - even in my imagination my fear stops me short of the actual worst.  But the worst I can imagination, that I have imagery for.  Always I go there right from the start.  

My child has been healthy in her first year.  She has had a couple of colds and only one with a fever, but even then the fever was not so high and acetaminophen brought it down quickly.  We have been lucky.  I know mamas who have been though much more with their little ones, walked much closer to the edge of despair than I have had any reason to.  Because it is such a fine line we walk.  Babies are so small, so fragile.  So much can go wrong.  So many things can hurt them.  And I have lived enough life to know that many things will, whether they leave visible scars or invisible ones.  And it is not possible to love our children less to protect ourselves.  I love her full tilt.  I would not love her any less. 

And so I sit here next to the monitor, straining to hear her soft sleeping breath over the hum, and know I will soon give in and go curl up next to her to keep vigil over her sleep.