Aubergine

How ironic is it

that when the California courts finally make gay marriage legal in this state, I no longer want to be married to my same-sex partner?

tiny, powerful

I started this tiny journal on March 1, just a few days after Lisa and I decided to end our marriage.  I wanted to have a place to create some focus in the midst of the emotional turmoil that I knew I would be experiencing for a while.  I set an intention to write in it twice a day - once in the morning, before getting out of bed, and once in the evening before sleeping.  The morning would be about creation.  I remembered reading an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert a while back, and she talked about a journal she kept after the end of her marriage where she asked herself, over and over, "What do I really really want?"  The list changed every time she asked the question, but she began to see some patterns which allowed her to focus on the life she wanted to create for herself.  So each morning, I ask, "What do I really really want?" And then I list the 5 things that are most pressing for me right then.  In the evening, I record my gratitude - 5 things I was grateful for that day.  On bad days, this is really hard, but also when it is most needed.  It helps me to clear my mind of all the things I regret, or that didn't go the way I wanted, or that hurt, and take into my dreams only the things that brought me joy, or peace.  And I can always summon at least 5.  Sometimes there are many more.

I've filled about 2/3 of the book at this point, and last night I read through the whole thing from the beginning.  I haven't managed to write every single morning and evening, but I haven't missed very many days.  Some days I only do either morning or evening.  The creation list is on the left page, the gratitude list is on the right.  When I do record both morning and evening, it is interesting to see that sometimes the gratitudes directly relate to the morning intentions.  Some of the entries are cryptic, and I can't really remember the event or interaction that prompted them.  Some are strongly evocative of a particularly good or bad day.  There are definitely patterns forming.  I'm often grateful for sleep, for deep connections with several people who mean a lot to me, for finding and exercising my strength and authenticity, for books, for the times when I face something hard or scary and come out OK.  On the creation side, I long for simplicity, for the time and emotional space to move at my own fairly slow and introspective pace, for deep connections with good people, for feeling centered and grounded, for continuous growth, for the courage to set and maintain my own boundaries, for peace and joy.

I've been having a particularly hard week this week, drowning in sadness and feeling lost and lonely.  It has been a good week to re-connect with my little journal, refocus on what I want and what I am grateful for.  And it was good to read through the last couple of months of entries and find that I am following a steady path, even with all that is swirling around me.   And to remember that all I need I already have, right here inside of me.

vows

It is a Hindu wedding tradition for a bride to put red bangles on the day of her marriage, red being symbolic of life and joy.  If her husband dies, the bangles are broken and all other symbols of the marriage are removed. 

I put these red bangles on one day in January last year, when I was in Rishikesh, a quiet symbol of a vow to myself to find my joy again.

Today is the anniversary of a marriage that has ended, and my left finger no longer wears the symbolic reminder of those vows.  But I'm still seeking my joy.