tiny, powerful

I started this tiny journal on March 1, just a few days after Lisa and I decided to end our marriage.  I wanted to have a place to create some focus in the midst of the emotional turmoil that I knew I would be experiencing for a while.  I set an intention to write in it twice a day - once in the morning, before getting out of bed, and once in the evening before sleeping.  The morning would be about creation.  I remembered reading an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert a while back, and she talked about a journal she kept after the end of her marriage where she asked herself, over and over, "What do I really really want?"  The list changed every time she asked the question, but she began to see some patterns which allowed her to focus on the life she wanted to create for herself.  So each morning, I ask, "What do I really really want?" And then I list the 5 things that are most pressing for me right then.  In the evening, I record my gratitude - 5 things I was grateful for that day.  On bad days, this is really hard, but also when it is most needed.  It helps me to clear my mind of all the things I regret, or that didn't go the way I wanted, or that hurt, and take into my dreams only the things that brought me joy, or peace.  And I can always summon at least 5.  Sometimes there are many more.

I've filled about 2/3 of the book at this point, and last night I read through the whole thing from the beginning.  I haven't managed to write every single morning and evening, but I haven't missed very many days.  Some days I only do either morning or evening.  The creation list is on the left page, the gratitude list is on the right.  When I do record both morning and evening, it is interesting to see that sometimes the gratitudes directly relate to the morning intentions.  Some of the entries are cryptic, and I can't really remember the event or interaction that prompted them.  Some are strongly evocative of a particularly good or bad day.  There are definitely patterns forming.  I'm often grateful for sleep, for deep connections with several people who mean a lot to me, for finding and exercising my strength and authenticity, for books, for the times when I face something hard or scary and come out OK.  On the creation side, I long for simplicity, for the time and emotional space to move at my own fairly slow and introspective pace, for deep connections with good people, for feeling centered and grounded, for continuous growth, for the courage to set and maintain my own boundaries, for peace and joy.

I've been having a particularly hard week this week, drowning in sadness and feeling lost and lonely.  It has been a good week to re-connect with my little journal, refocus on what I want and what I am grateful for.  And it was good to read through the last couple of months of entries and find that I am following a steady path, even with all that is swirling around me.   And to remember that all I need I already have, right here inside of me.

Comments

[Kirsten Liske]

Dona

Ganesha: always laughing, always a hand out ready to assist, forever guider of words and learning. A perfect choice for your tiny book capturing your gigantic life.

My friend Tracy recently wrote: "Do I still experience a deep sadness that has no name? Of course! It just comes with being human. Sometimes I think that there are just four or five deep pools of human emotion and our job is to practice swimming in all of them so we come to know their empty underwater contours and not just the seemingly endless stretch of their surface tension."

Keep diving deep.

I love your practice and think I too need to ask that question over and over until the part of me holed up, holding its breath behind the door, holding tight on the padlock gets comfortable and curious enough to silently spin the combination, slip the lock off the door, its focus on the consistent, friendly, sure voice asking the question growing so intent that soon the lock is dangling unconsciously at the end of a slack arm, face peeking around the half open door, smiling, holding with the other hand a wish list and maps for all the places that my sweet heart wants to go.

Toward that end on my end I am proposing to work 34 hours per week to my boss next fiscal year so that more weeks of the month than not I have a Friday off. Wish me luck! (As I do you)

I'm off to the islands with my journal in hand this weekend. I will definitely think of you and send the kelpy salted channel kisses your way.

[Wendee]

It's good to know that no matter how hard things are, that the simple bravery in putting one foot in front of the other is what gets us through. I forget my journal for long stretches of time, but even 'just' the daily drawings remind me of the things I long for and the things for which I am most grateful. Wishing you peace and strength...

[Mary Beth]

Wish I could give you a hug. This is such a difficult time. Your journal is so important. And yes, you do have everything you need already inside of you :-)

[Amy]

Well, I cried when I read your comment to me, and I cried again when I came over here and read this post. Thank you for your words. Both the ones to me...they mean so much, and came at just the right moment...and these that are for the world at large, but are indicative not only of your strength and power and grace under fire, but your wisdom that also serves as a reminder to us all of something so easy to forget...that all we need we already have, right here inside of us.

I have thought of you often since Artfest and send good thoughts your way every time I do. I hope you can feel it!

Missin' you!
~A.