In a photography lecture I went to last weekend, the photographer talked about how she only ever shoots in Aperture Priority mode. I love the look of photos with a really shallow depth of field, though my ability to capture them had been sort of hit and miss. Now I understand how to get the blur on purpose by using Aperture Priority mode, and how to control it.
In my kitchen this morning, taking pictures of fading hydrangeas to practice what I'd learned, I had an epiphany that had nothing to do with photography. I've been controlling my grief by using an emotion aperture to only let in what I can deal with. Recently a few people have told me that I look great, or I am holding up so well, or I make stress look easy. When really, I'm not at all OK on the inside. It is true that I have been keeping my life rolling fairly smoothly, continuing to be a leader at work, not crying in public places (much), not having freak outs except behind closed doors. I don't really feel that I have the luxury to fall apart. I have no one to pick me up again. So I keep a tight reign, only let in what I can process. Just a bit at a time. It means the processing is very slow, and that's frustrating, but also, it allows me to keep moving, keep feeling, keep functioning, and to make considered decisions rather than rash emotional ones. And mostly, it is working for me.
In the photo above, you can't see the fence in the background, our neighbor's ugly roof, the grungy kitchen window sill. You can't even really tell that this particular bloom is totally wilted. When you look at me, you can't tell that I'm falling apart. That doesn't mean the pain isn't there, I've just blurred it out so it isn't noticeable.
hey there-
I think your the person I have been trying to touch base with in regard to the Artfest fatbook I'm hosting. Are you still playing? Did you mail your pages? If not do you have them ready to go? Please shoot me a email letting me know the scoop as the email I have for you doesnt seem to be working. thanks
Posted by: Kristie | Thursday, August 07, 2008 at 09:55 AM
just noticing two blogs ago you had no words in your windows, and today, a huge bouquet of them.
Blossom.
Posted by: Kirsten Liske | Thursday, July 31, 2008 at 11:05 PM
i've been lurking festal friend...
i know what you are going through...i've been there more than once and desperately trying not to be there again...day after day, the
only thing between me and divorce are two kids ...i wait until they are in bed, when the lights are out for a movie, or just hidden in a corner of the yard where they can't see my face twisted in tears and hurt
we are so good at covering it up...no one would guess (we look so perfect-happy-happy together)... but it's like dying from the outside in
we are women in transition...and sometimes transition just sucks
Posted by: Stephanie T. | Wednesday, July 30, 2008 at 06:56 PM
These thoughts and the analogy are very poignant. Sending healing, patient and caring thoughts your way.
Posted by: Wendee | Monday, July 28, 2008 at 09:58 PM
I think of you often. I hope you know that if you were to fall apart there are those of us that may be unable to be there physically but would be there none the less. It is ok to open up, remember "pain is weakness escaping"...not "the feeling of the pain where people can see means that you are weak"! I hope you get my meaning. You WILL be ok. Every day will not be great, or even good. But gradually, often without your even realizing, the good ones will be outnumber the bad. Be gentle with yourself. Be true to yourself. And please know that you are not alone. Ever.
Posted by: Amy | Monday, July 28, 2008 at 07:25 PM
stay focused. remember, this will not be the worst thing that ever happens to you. and nothing like anguish to light the fire inside. Sending you hugs and good energy.
Posted by: amber | Thursday, July 24, 2008 at 10:44 PM
It is a great picture but my comment has more to do with your emotional state. You ARE holding up remarkably well but, even to someone who doesn't know you well, your fragility is there. I knew there was more going on and have been hoping for an opening to ask you to release some of it. Perhaps I, barely more than a stranger, am not the right person but the need is there. I can see it. I hope there is someone you feel safe enough to open up is there for you.
Posted by: CP | Thursday, July 24, 2008 at 07:13 PM
this is such a great picture. I had a good time talking to you at BlogHer. We should get together and hang out and talk about food and pictures.
Posted by: damaris | Thursday, July 24, 2008 at 12:35 PM
I've been lurking for a while now but I just had to come out of hiding to say what a fantastic picture this is. I love the fading away effect.
Posted by: Jennifer | Thursday, July 24, 2008 at 03:17 AM