Brilliant mama moments

In my Thursday morning mama's group a couple of months ago, our check-in was to describe our most "brilliant mommy moment."  For one mom that was when she finally figured out how to wrangle 18 yards of Moby to wrap her baby safely against her chest while she made dinner.  For another it was every night she remembered to cut up snacks for the next day after her toddler was in bed, so they would be ready when she needed them throughout the day.  When it came to be my turn, I said I felt brilliant when I put myself first.  

The Bean was only about a month old at that point, and putting myself first seemed both counter-intuitive and impossible.  She seemed to nurse constantly, and when she wasn't nursing she was sleeping in my arms.  I couldn't put her down, I couldn't feed myself well, I was so tired I couldn't see straight.  She needed me so much. How could I possibly put my own needs in front of the needs of this tiny, helpless infant?

But somewhere in those few weeks I had discovered that if I asked someone to hold her for me just a little longer and got that shower, or made sure to eat enough protein in my meal and set aside some good snacks, or napped when she did at least once during the day, I would be so much more able to be present for her in all of the other moments.  

Many days I felt guilty asking for that kind of help.  I felt I should be able to do it all, always be on.  After all, I was the mother.  I had everything she needed and no one could replace me.  How could I choose to turn away even for a little bit of time to take care of myself first? But when I pushed past the guilt and did it, I realized how necessary it was. Putting myself first made me a better mother.  More able to deal with the hard moments, more patient, more flexible. More able to be brilliant when the situation demanded it.

In my postpartum yoga class, our teacher talks a lot about mindful breathing, and how, if you come back to the breath, you can better manage the anxiety and stress and fear that comes with parenting a small child.  When you are with your breath, there is only this moment, this breath.  No before or after, just the one moment you are living right now.  And with mindfulness, you will feel the right thing to do.  What you need, what your child needs, what your partner needs.  How to navigate the complexity.  Because even a complex situation is simpler when taken a single moment at a time. Even when you think you have no more to give, committing to give in just the next moment is possible.  And then the next. And then the next.

Maybe that's really the secret to parenting -  the point is being in the moment, not how brilliant that moment is.  We can only be brilliant one moment at a time.  If we are lucky, maybe we get a short a short string of brilliant moments.  But we can't expect brilliance in every moment - we may get ugly ones or ones when we feel like a failure.  But in the next moment we can start again, come back to the breath, and risk brilliance again.

 

Comments

[Ourlongstory.wordpress.com]

i love this post...and thank you for the reminder...to be gentle with myself.

you have also givin me my walking meditation today...

"...we can't expect brilliance in every moment...But in the next moment we can start again, come back to the breath, and risk brilliance again."

"But in the next moment we can start again, come back to the breath, and risk brilliance again."