The problem with kid-free zones

I recently read about some restaurants in New York City who were discouraging kids from their dining rooms and was intrigued  by the conversation that ensued in the comments on the article. Some commenters were supportive of the decision and some outraged.  Some people talked about other places they had run into child-unfriendliness, and others talked about their own irritation with other people's rowdy children and their desire to sometimes be in a child-free environment.  

I can see both sides.  On one side, a business owner certainly has the right to target their desired market narrowly, and make decisions that might seem exclusionary to those outside of the target.  The result might be limited hours or difficult access to some, or it might be specifically discouraging people outside of the target - in this case the families with small kids.  On the other hand, it seems short-sighted to alienate people who are actually a temporary market. People who have small kids will only have small kids for a while, and sometimes they spend their money when their kids are not with them. They might choose to avoid a kid-free restaurant  and also tell their friends about their decisions. 

Mostly I was bugged by the fact that when some are excluded, there is a natural tendency to value the included group as "better" than the excluded one.  And that whole to-have-children-or-not discussion is so snarly and barbed in our culture already.  And for other things I have chosen to do in my life, I have felt excluded and devalued.  And it doesn't feel good. But because my community is pretty kid-friendly, and my child is well-behaved and I am contentious about how her presence impacts others and will take her outside if I need to, I thought it didn't really apply to me.

Then I ran into a kid-free business in my own town and my empathy for the business owners grew a little thinner and my feeling of being bugged got bigger.  When I called a favorite local restaurant to make a reservation for a birthday dinner, they told me flat out that they don't have high-chairs.  Now to be fair, they didn't say I couldn't eat there with a child.  And I had taken the baby there before without a reservation and without asking for a high chair.  But they weren't making it easy for me, and I sensed from the woman's voice that I would not be made particularly welcome. And that was without even knowing how old my child was or witnessing her being disruptive or messy.  At first I just said fine, she could sit on my lap. This was a business where I had spent a lot of time (and money) before I had a baby and I had some loyalty.  But in the end I decided I wasn't going to be comfortable in a situation where I felt unwelcome.  

Instead I chose an equally high-end restaurant on the other side of town who not only offered me a high chair without me having to ask but set up our table with a nice big square of butcher paper on the floor and then cooed over the baby all through the meal. So where am I more likely to go back and spend my money again?  The second place.  And before you say that some restaurants just don't have high chairs because they are small, the second place is smaller and far more cramped. But they made room for us and made us feel welcome.

That experience was at the beginning of August, and I have been coming back to the issue in my mind, turning it around, still chewing it.  There was something else bothering me and I couldn't put my finger on it. 

 Finally I think I have it.  

The problem with segregating kids out of certain settings is that we will create a world where kids will not learn how to behave in those settings. Is it more annoying to have dinner with a kid at the next table when the parents are engaged and trying to teach the child manners and decorum, or is it more annoying to sit next to a drunk and obnoxious adult, or one who is chatting away on their cell phone at a loud volume?  If I cannot teach my child what behavior is acceptable in a range of settings, she will not know how to behave in those settings when she is older.  If the only settings she experiences are places where all the kids are running wild, how can I convince her that sometimes she must restrain herself and be quiet and calm?  Yes, of course I must teach her these skills before we go to a fancy restaurant, but she must have places where we can practice, and feel the intrinsic reward of having a good experience in such a setting.

Banning kids is not the answer.  We need to grow kids who can adapt to various settings and experiences who will grow into adults who will teach their kids to do the same.

 I would love to hear what you think on this topic.  Would you frequent a restaurant that bans or discourages kids, even if you are dining without them?  What do you think about kids being in "grown up" spaces either in general or for special occasions?

Comments

[Jennifer]

You nailed it when you said that kids can't learn how to be out in the world if the world excludes them and doesn't allow them to practice and learn. Last fall we went on a long family vacation, which meant much more dining out than usual, and generally it went well and once or twice I had to take my youngest outside (I could take my oldest to a Michelin starred restaurant and he'd be just fine; the youngest, not so much yet). And one night a woman went out of her way to stop by our table and comment on how wonderfully the boys were behaving. How great do you think that made them feel? (okay, and me too) How much will that inspire them to behave just as well the next time?

On a purely snarky level, whenever people talk about kid free spaces and generally not wanting to experience children in public in any form, I think to myself fine, as long as 25 years from now you don't expect my son to be your doctor or cable guy or the fireman who hauls you out of a burning building. But I keep my mouth shut. So far.

[I Am Art Blog]

I agree that banning kids is not the answer. It's up to the parents to teach their kids how to act in a restaurant-- so I would support a restaurant the bans bad parents (just kidding, I wouldn't support that). The problem is not really the kids, but they are not the ones with the money. I would not want to sit next to parents who can't tell their rowdy kids to settle down OR a loud obnoxious drunk, but that is part of experiencing life. I would happily sit next to kids who are enjoying a new experience at a "grown up" restaurant and learning how to be in the world.